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研究:男人为何不愿谈论感情?

时间:2010-07-27 21:51    来源:    作者: 点击:
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    A few weeks ago, Jane Wilcox and her live-in boyfriend had a blowout argument over a kitchen sponge that was left in the sink. There was ranting and accusations of shoddy housekeeping. He packed a bag and prepared to spend the night in a second home on their property. She called one of her boyfriend's buddies and asked him to come over and calm him down.

    When the pal arrived, the two men took beers out to the porch. 'They sat huddled together like they were planning a NATO conference,' says Ms. Wilcox, 52, who lives in the mountains outside of Phoenix. 'I would watch and see them both nod, as if they understood each other. One would lean back and take a heavy sigh, the other would follow suit. Then they'd huddle into each other again.'

    The topic of their big discussion? Motorcycle oil.

    It's no big secret that men don't share their emotions easily. Numerous research studies -- and millions of baffled women -- can attest to that.

    But is it really so harmful if men want to keep their feelings hidden? And don't women share too much, yammering on about their husbands to friends, co-workers and sometimes even strangers?

    The answer to both questions is an emphatic yes.

    Men and women could learn a thing or two from each other about when to talk about problems in their marriages or romantic relationships. It might help for men to reveal more to others outside the relationship -- and for women to zip it a bit more.

    There are deep-rooted reasons why we share the way we do. Men don't want to appear vulnerable. (Why else won't they ask for directions when they're lost?) They are raised to be strong, after all, not to appear sad, scared or needy. Women, by contrast, are taught it's OK to be emotional.

    'Women can go to their friends and talk and ask, 'Does he love me? What do you think?'' says Charles T. Hill, a professor of psychology at Whittier College in California. 'If men went to their friends and said, 'Do you think she loves me?' they would say to get a grip.'

    Men also may clam up to protect their wives or significant others, worrying that their buddies might be insensitive, gossip or think less of their partners. They also may not want to get themselves wound up because it's hard for them to wind down.

    Or, as a male friend of mine puts it: 'Men don't talk about their feelings with themselves, let alone other men. They usually have something to feel guilty about, even if it's just a bad thought or flirtation, so why look too closely?'

    Biology plays a part, too. Scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, have shown women respond to stress by releasing oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that produces a calming effect and helps them bond with children and others. Estrogen enhances its effects. (Men, too, release oxytocin in response to stress, but male hormones minimize its effects.)

    Women don't need a study to confirm that they feel better from talking over their problems. Sure, they may get an oxytocin boost. But they know they will also receive empathy, possible solutions and maybe even a reality check.

    Sometimes in the middle of an argument with her husband of 26 years, Marina Kamen, 50, who lives in New York, will go online and chat with a friend on Facebook, or even with a stranger on a Web site for working moms. She believes that this prevents the quarrel from escalating, and that it can help her put her life in perspective.

    'Many single women will tell me, 'It's hard out here. Do you think you will find someone better?'' says Ms. Kamen, who, with her husband, owns a business that produces motivational fitness recordings and music with her husband. 'Then we will get in a dialogue about what my husband is like and all his good qualities.'

    Her husband, Roy, 56, says he tends not to discuss his marriage with his friends. 'It's a guy thing,' he says.

    He's not alone. In many cases, men wait until it's too late to ask for support or advice from their friends about serous relationship issues. 'Men will talk when there's nothing left to lose,' says Susan Pease Gadoua, a therapist in San Rafael, Calif. By not opening up earlier, she says, they miss out on a chance to garner support -- or even just a little reassurance that others have been there, too.

    Julius Nagy, a 48-year-old father of five who is going through a divorce, says he rarely talked to friends about financial troubles in his 16-year marriage, both to appear strong and to avoid conflict. Because he had no emotional outlet, he often ended up in yelling matches with his wife, which only exacerbated their problems, he says.

    'The big reason it didn't work in the end is that I kept bottling this up,' says Mr. Nagy, a former product developer in the bedding industry who lives in Winston-Salem, N.C. His wife couldn't be reached for comment.

    Tony Dye's 24-year marriage had problems for years, but only recently -- now that he's getting a divorce -- has he started to tell his friends what's really going on: He's been having an affair.

    'I think that exposing what's been going on in my life and getting some feedback earlier would have helped,' says Mr. Dye, 54, an information-technology consultant in Atlanta. 'I've had guys in the last year very lovingly beat me up over this relationship, saying, 'Tony, you can't have anything to do with her. You need to be working on things with your wife.'' His wife couldn't be reached for comment.

    You should be judicious about where you turn for help, if you seek it outside of your relationship. Talk too much, and your words may come back to haunt you.

    Just ask Kimberly, a 42-year-old mom in the Midwest who asked that her last name not be used. When her marriage hit a rough patch last year, she complained to everyone she could find: her mom, friends, co-workers, housekeeper, husband's best friend and two radio stations.

    She says the attention was a relief -- at the time. But now that she and her husband have patched up their problems, they have a new one: Some of the people she carped to have ostracized her husband.

    'It's an awkward situation,' Kimberly says. 'To this day, he's not comfortable around my family.'

    Jane Wilcox, of the sponge spat, wonders if she shouldn't talk less, too. While her boyfriend and his buddy debated the virtues of synthetic versus natural bike oils, she called a girlfriend and analyzed every detail of the fight she had had with him. 'What they had accomplished in 20 minutes took us two hours,' says Ms. Wilcox, whose boyfriend could not be reached for comment.

    The next morning, her boyfriend met her in the kitchen and offered her a cup of coffee. 'End of subject. End of tantrum. No apology. No talk. It's as if the entire incident had not happened,' she says.

    'But he did change the oil in his bike to synthetic. It runs much smoother now.'

    Have you ever shared too much -- or not enough -- about your marriage?

    几个礼拜前,简?威尔科克斯(Jane Wilcox)和她的同居友由于放在厨房水槽里的一块儿洗碗布年夜吵了一架。他们两个年夜喊年夜呼,求全训斥对方不会持家过日子。她的友料理好对象,筹备在他们屋子的另一个房间过夜。她给男友的一位好伴侣打电话,请他来家里劝劝男友,让他沉着沉着。

    那位摰友到了往后,两个汉子拿了几瓶啤酒坐到了门廊。"他俩紧靠着坐在一路,就像是在打算一次北约集会,"威尔科克斯说。威尔科克斯今年52岁,栖身在凤凰城(Phoenix)外的山区里。"我看到他们两个人私家点着头,似乎互相很是理解理睬。一个人私家今后一靠,浩叹一口气,另一个人私家也会随着做出同样的举措。然后他们又会紧靠着坐在一路。"

    他们年夜谈判的话题?摩托车机油。

    汉子们不会等闲分享他们的激情,这已经不是什么奥秘了。许良多多的研究──以及成百上切切思疑不已的女人们──可以证实这一点。

    不过,要是汉子们想要潜匿他们的激情,真的有那么年夜的害处吗?此外,女人们莫非不是分享得太多了吗?她们会向伴侣、同事,偶尔辰乃至是生疏人抱怨她们的丈夫。

    对这两个题目的谜底显然都是必定的。

    对付该在什么时辰评论争吵婚姻或感情题目,汉子和女人可以彼此进修对方的一些做法。向别人更多地洞欢快扉对汉子们年夜概会有所辅佐──而女人们则应该恰当地贯串毗邻禁止。

    汉子和女人分享苦衷的方法差别另有深层次的缘故起因。汉子们不想看上去懦弱不堪。(不然的话,他们迷路的时辰怎么不去问路呢?)终究,在人们眼里汉子便是要强项,不能显得哀痛、惊骇可能必要别人的安抚。对比之下,女人们受的教诲则是:感情懦弱也无妨。

    "女人们可以去找她们的伴侣谈心,问他们,'他我吗?你怎么想?'"加利福尼亚州惠特学院(Whittier College)的生理学教授查尔斯?T.希尔(Charles T. Hill)暗示,"要是汉子们也去找他们的伴侣,问他们,'你感受她我吗?'伴侣们会讲述他要理智一些。"

    汉子们贯串毗邻默然沉静的缘故起因还年夜概是为了掩护他们的妻子可能其贰心爱的人。他们会担忧自己的好伴侣们不够敏感、说三道四可能是以会瞧不起他们的同伙。他们年夜概也不但愿自己的情感求助起来,由于那样一来,他们会很难放松。

    可能,像我的一位男伴侣说的那样:"汉子们跟自己都不交涉起自己的感情,更不用说其它汉子了。他们老是会对一些事激情触忸捏,纵然它只是脑海中一闪而过的一个坏主意可能是一次调情,所觉得什么要云云近间隔地审阅呢?"

    这一题目也可以从生物学的角度找到谜底。加州年夜学洛杉矶分校(University of California, Los Angeles)的科学家们已经证实,女性在面临压力时会开释一种名为"催产素"的荷尔蒙。它能够辅佐舒缓情感,还可以促进女性和孩子及其他人之间的外交勾当,而雌激素会强化这种荷尔蒙的浸染。(男性在面临压力时也会开释这种荷尔蒙,可是男性荷尔蒙会将它的恪守按捺到最小。)

    无需什么科学研究,女人们就可以确定经由过程和别人的倾诉自己碰着的题目,她们能让自己认为好起来。固然,倾诉或者能辅佐女性开释更多的"催产素".不过,女性还知道,她们同时也会获得别人的慰藉、找到年夜概的办理步伐,乃至是认清现实。

    当玛丽娜?卡门(Marina Kamen)跟成婚26年的丈夫产生辩论的时辰,她会上网和Facebook上的摰友泛论一番,偶尔辰乃至会和一个职业女性网站上碰到的生疏人倾诉。她信托这么做可以灌注贯注争持进级,也能让自己客不美观地看待自己的糊口。卡门今年50岁,栖身在纽约。

    "良多只身女性都讲述我,'此刻丈夫可不好找。你感受你会找到更好的人吗'?"卡门说。卡门和丈夫一路开了一家建造健身录音和健身音乐的公司。"然后我们就交涉起我的丈夫到底是什么样的人,以及他悉数的利益。"

    她的丈夫名叫罗伊(Roy),今年56岁。罗伊说他不愿和伴侣们谈及他的婚姻。"这是汉子的特点,"他说。

    罗伊不是个例。在很多情形下,等到汉子们由于感情题目追求伴侣的撑持可能提议时,统统都太晚了。"汉子们只有在断港绝潢的时辰才会透露心声,"加州圣拉斐尔市(San Rafael)的临床医师苏珊?皮斯?加多(Susan Pease Gadoua)暗示。由于没有更早洞欢快扉,他们错过了得到撑持的机遇──可能是过来人的一点点慰藉。

    今年48岁的朱利叶斯?纳吉(Julius Nagy)是五个孩子的父亲,正在解决仳离。他说成婚16年来他很少和伴侣谈发迹里经济上的题目,一是为了看上去显得强项,二来也是为了休止斗嘴。纳吉说,由于他把自己的感情完全地封闭了起来,功效通俗导致和妻子年夜吵年夜闹,这只会让他们的题目变得越发恶化。

    "我们的婚姻终极割裂的一年夜缘故起因便是我把我们的题目袒护了起来,"纳吉说。他栖身在北卡罗来纳州的温斯顿-莎伦市(Winston-Salem),过去曾是床上用品行业的一名产品开发职员。我们没能接洽到他的妻子置评。

    成婚24年的托尼?戴伊(Tony Dye)碰着婚姻题目已经有几年的时刻了,可是直到比来──眼下他就要仳离了──他才起头讲述伴侣们工作的秘闻:他有外遇。

    "我想,早点儿把我糊口中的情形讲述伴侣,并且获得他们的一些反馈年夜概会有所辅佐,"戴伊说。戴伊今年54岁,是亚特兰年夜的一名信息妙技咨询师。"就由于这份感情,去年我的一些伴侣很是热心地敲打了我,他们说,'托尼,你不能和她有什么接洽。你必要和你的妻子一路办理题目。'"我们未能接洽到戴伊的妻子置评。

    要是你向别人追求辅佐的话,那么必然要对乞助的器材稳重选择。要是你说得太多,那么你的话或者会带来后患。

    家住美国中西部的金伯利(Kimberly)的情形便是云云。这位42岁的母亲要求我们不要流露她的全名。去年,当她的婚姻陷入危急时,她向能找到的悉数人抱怨:她的妈妈、伴侣、同事、保姆、丈夫最好的伴侣,以及两家广播电台。

    她说,别人的关注让她在当时认为轻松了很多。不过,虽然此刻她和丈夫办理了畴前的题目,新题目又来了:她当时的一些倾诉器材起头排出她的丈夫。

    "这认为很别扭,"金伯利说。"直到此刻,他跟我的家人在一路时城市认为不从容。"

    然而,由于一块儿洗碗布而和另一半产生争持的简?威尔科克斯却在想自己是不是倾诉得太少了。当她的男友和伴侣评论争吵摩托车机油到底是合成的好照样天然的好时,她给她的一位女性伴侣打了电话,剖析了她和男友争持的每一个细节。"他们二非凡很是钟说完的话,我们花了两个小时,"威尔科克斯说。我们未能接洽到她的男友置评。

    第二天一早,她的男友在厨房里看到她,给她递过来一杯咖啡。"题目结束了,性情发完了,没有报歉,也不必多言,就像什么事都没有产生过一样,"她说。

    "可是,他真的把摩托车的机油换成了合成的,此刻开起来顺畅多了。"




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